Tag Archives: loss

aiwain …


I know, how silly it is, to write something here. It’s so girlish, childish and stupid. I don’t know what I will accomplish, but I want to let go of my feelings and memories…

At first I was not having some special feeling for you, you were just a normal person to me as every one else was.

But soon I started liking you when we met and started knowing each other. You were special, unique and someone I always wanted to be friends with.
I remember how we first met, still remember that late night walk, just as if it was yesterday. You kind of became my friend once we met, it was magical.

I loved your silly jokes, your cheerful being, your mind blowing sweet eyes and yet how you were always so caring.
Remember when we used to play antakshari … I was never good at it but still I played just because you had asked me to play. We used to talk and enjoy the time we’ve spent there together.

You became my best friend, and to be honest, the very best of all. I was always filled with happiness when you came online to talk to me and then play too.

Ah, so many wonderful memories…

I remember how I used to send you a “Good morning” SMS each day and I continued it for months … Many times when I ran away of mobile balance, how I started using my landline phone … ohhh Gosshhh… how crazy I used to be that time.


That’s how I fell for you as well. I never felt anything like it,  i knew, that we were getting so close. But we shouldn’t have. I’m so sorry…

Soon when you came to know that we are coming closer then you said that we should keep it down. Sadly I didn’t.

But, i won’t complain. I felt great, i felt awesome, i felt loved, i was.. ALIVE.
I always lived with the thoughts about my horrible life, but when you came and gave me this feeling, i let that all of that behind and just felt happiness.
I was so happy, so very happy, i still smile even now thinking back.

Ah, i still remember this one night. When I was angry over some issue, you met me and tried to convince me, then in turn I tried to scare you and I won, you get scared, but that day I saw your horrified eyes, still remember how I sat on my knees, tried to relieve you that I was telling all lie. That moment, my heart was so close to my mouth… That day I did a promise to myself that I shall never tell even a single lie to you.


I remember those evenings when we used to go temple together … and somehow your company was increasing my faith in GOD.
I remember you saying “aiwain”, how sweetly you used to say this word, and later this word took a place in my dictionary too.

I remember on my farewell, wa sat together till the sun raised …
Was it, early morning? 6 am+? Heh.

I remember talking to you late in night, some times you picked the phone in your sleep and that time even you were not knowing that what are you speaking, but your that voice still seems so fresh in my mind. It was so cute, so sweet and adorable.
I was so shy, i didn’t talk much, mostly blushing. Ah, those feelings were great, so sweet, so warm that i always melted like ice. It made me go through the day with a shine and self-confidence.

I could never believe that a boy, unimportant in the world as i was, to be cared by this awesome person you are. This sweet girl who’s smiles and eyes were so charming.
I was s amazed, the thought of it, made me feel so special.

It was like a movie, no, it was like a perfect love story to me.

I still remember how you danced on toughest songs, the wonderful performances.  That was some crazy random lovely shit, really :D

I don’t regret these days, even if they were wrong. I know you also loved someone else, I know I always said “i don’t mind”, i really didn’t, but…

Deep inside of me was this selfish child. This child wanted to do “everything” to have you completely, even if just for a moment.

I went past my limits. THAT i do regret…

Soon things happened, i got depressed.
My depression made you let go of me, made you distance yourself. We said to be best friends, but eventually…
Even this tight friendship tore apart.

It crushed my life, i stopped studying, i stopped smiling, i stopped being strong, i stopped living entirely. I hurt the person i loved so, whom i always wanted to be with, if friend or lover, I didn’t care…
I hurt the person I said I would kill myself if I did. Well, I actually did, mentally.

Now I’m nothing but a mere used battery. I relied on you to pull me up, but you released me, and i was too weak, no, too scared to live in a world without you, that I let myself fall into the darkness.

Now i made you hate me, get annoyed of me.

Sorry, i never meant to.
I love you, a part of me always will.

Do you know what I’m listening to as i write this? A song you named “My Fav … You… A walk to remember”…

Be happy with your loved ones. I know I have become nothing more than dust in your sight.

But… Even if i let go, a part of me will always want you back, as best friend, like how it all started.
Lovely and peaceful days with you and me smiling…

If i could hug you now, I would.



P.S. This is just a work of fiction. 🙂


Filed under life